Showcase and promote Rotary SAFE Families and our terrific resources to as many people as possible.  It all helps to combat the scourge of abuse of our children and grandchildren.

Don't sit on your hands ... become informed! 

Are you a "bystander"?

It can be really worrying when someone you care about is being hurt or abused by their partner. This guide will help you to become an "active bystander" in supporting female and male victims of abuse. Throughout the guide we refer to the victim as ‘she’ for simplicity and because the majority of victims are women. However, we encourage supporters of men who are being abused to use this guide and apply the Rotary SAFE Families "3RRR's" of primary prevention of abuse.

1. RECOGNISE the signs of abuse

Is what you do important?

Your help can make a great difference to someone who is abused.
Please note: For the simplicity of this article, the victim is addressed as female, but this information can be applied to a male victim.

Your response to the situation is really important.

• If she feels supported and encouraged, she may feel stronger and more able to make decisions.

• If she feels judged or criticised, she could be afraid to tell anyone else about the abuse again.

• Abuse in relationships is quite common, and is mainly committed by men against women.

• Much of this abuse is witnessed by children. Some women are abusive in relationships. Women in lesbian relationships, and men in gay relationships can also be abusive to their partners.

“My best friend really helped me. She never judged me or made me feel like it was my fault. She helped me think about what to do, looked after my kids to give me a break, and was there when I needed her. It can’t have been easy on her. But her support made a big difference.” —Ana

What is abuse?

Every couple has arguments or disagreements. In a respectful and equal relationship, both partners feel free to state their opinions, to make their own decisions, to be themselves, and to say no to sex.

But this is not the case when someone is abusive. In an abusive relationship, one partner tries to dominate the other through physical harm, criticisms, demands, threats, or sexual pressure. For the victim and her children, this behaviour can be very dangerous, frightening, confusing and damaging.

Psychological or emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse. Abuse in a relationship is never acceptable, regardless of the circumstances, and is never the fault of the victim. Abuse is not caused by alcohol, or stress, or by the victim’s behaviour. Abuse happens because the abuser wants to control and manipulate the other person. Physical and sexual assault, threats and stalking are crimes and can be reported to the police.

“My family and friends didn’t think it was ‘that bad’ because he only physically hit me once. But the put-downs and manipulation were so much worse, the way he controlled my life. I really wish my family could have understood how horrible it was.” —Kate

How can I recognise abuse?

You might be unsure if what your friend or relative is experiencing is ‘abuse’. Maybe you just have some sense that something is ‘wrong’ in her relationship. Sometimes there may be signs that indicate that there is abuse. But often there will be nothing obvious.

Signs that someone is being abused;

• She seems afraid of her partner or is always very anxious to please him or her.

• She has stopped seeing her friends or family, or cuts phone conversations short when her partner is in the room.

• Her partner often criticises her or humiliates her in front of other people.

• She says her partner pressures or forces her to do sexual things.

• Her partner often orders her about or makes all the decisions (for example, her partner controls all the money, tells her who she can see and what she can do).

• She often talks about her partner’s ‘jealousy’, ‘bad temper’ or ‘possessiveness’.

• She has become anxious or depressed, has lost her confidence, or is unusually quiet.

• She has physical injuries (bruises, broken bones, sprains, cuts etc). She may give unlikely explanations for physical injuries.

• Her children seem afraid of her partner, have behaviour problems, or are very withdrawn or anxious.

• She is reluctant to leave her children with her partner.

• After she has left the relationship, her partner is constantly calling her, harassing her, following her, coming to her house or waiting outside.

Why doesn’t she just leave?

It can be hard to understand why someone would stay in a relationship if she is being treated so badly. Leaving may appear to be a simple solution. You might think that the abuse is partly her fault because she puts up with it, or that she is weak or stupid if she stays.

It is hard to imagine what it is like to be abused when you are not in the situation yourself. From the outside, it may seem easier to leave than it actually is. It can be very difficult to leave an abusive partner. This is an important thing for friends and family to understand.

Reasons why it may be so hard to leave:

• She is afraid of what the abuser will do if she leaves. The person who is abusive may have threatened to harm her, her relatives, or the children, pets or property. They may threaten to commit suicide if she talks about leaving. Many victims find that the abuse continues or gets worse after they leave.

• She still loves her partner, because he or she is not abusive all the time.

• She has a commitment to the relationship or a belief that marriage is forever, for ‘better or worse’.

• She hopes her partner will change. Sometimes the abusive person might promise to change. She might think that if the abuser stops drinking, the abuse will stop.

• She thinks the abuse is her fault.

• She feels she should stay ‘for the sake of the children’, and that it is best that children live with both parents. Her partner may have threatened to take or harm the children.

• A lack of confidence. The person who is abusive will have deliberately tried to break down their partner’s confidence, and make her feel like she is stupid, hopeless, and responsible for the abuse. She may feel powerless and unable to make decisions.

• Isolation and loneliness. The person who is abusive may have tried to cut her off from contact with family or friends. She might be afraid of coping on her own. If English is not her first language she might feel particularly isolated.

• Pressure to stay from family, her community or church. She might fear rejection from her community or family if she leaves.

• She may feel that she can’t get away from her partner because they live in a rural area, or because they have the same friends, or are part of the same ethnic, Aboriginal or religious community.

• She doesn’t have the means to survive if the relationship ends. She might not have anywhere to live, or access to money, or transport, particularly if she lives in an isolated area. She may be dependent upon her partner’s income. If she has a disability, she may depend upon the abuser for assistance.

• It is very important that you do not make her feel that there is something wrong with her because she hasn’t left. This will only reinforce her low confidence and feelings of guilt and self-blame.

• Leaving an abusive partner may sometimes be quite dangerous. The abuse may continue or increase after she leaves. Help her to weigh up her feelings, to decide what she can do, and to consider her safety whether she decides to stay or to leave. She might want to contact a service to talk about how to protect herself.

• "When I told her how he abused me, my friend said ‘but you let him do it’ like it was my fault.

• That made me feel worse. She didn’t know how much pressure he put on me to go back, how he said he loved me and would kill himself rather than live without me and the children. He made me feel so guilty. I thought how important it was for the children to have a father. It was all a way of manipulating me to come back.

• My friend stopped talking to me after I went back to him, she said I was stupid.

  I was really upset because she was my only close friend in Australia and I really needed someone to talk to, and help me to see that the way he treated me was wrong.” —Nicola